A soft answer turns away wrath,
Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV)
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Military Communications
When I was in the military, I advance in rank relatively quickly. In less than 2 years I was an E-5 which I considered to be one of the sweet spots in the Navy pecking order.
I learned a lot back in those days, and one of those things was that feelings hardly matter in communication. If a higher authority (whether by rank or position) asks you to do something, it doesn’t matter how you feel, you do it (assuming it’s a lawful order). The delivery in the form of a question was more of an optional courtesy.
Were there people who took advantage of this? Absolutely! But all you could say was “Aye aye, sir!” and you kept it moving.
Civilian Communications
A year after my separation, I became a resident assistant for the community college I was attending. Not even a week into the job, I found myself sitting down with the assistant housing directors for both dorm buildings to discuss an incident where I guess I hurt a coworkers feelings.
That was when I had the realization that I can’t talk to everyone the same way I would talk to other Sailors. It wasn’t that I was being rude or aggressive, just very direct and straight to the point.
Communications Degree
That situation ultimately led me to take an interpersonal communications class which, in turn, led to me getting my Associate’s in communications and social science.
I’ve since learned a lot about public speaking, psychology, small-group interactions– you name it– both in my studies and in my free time.
That’s why this concept of giving a soft answer stands out so much to me.
Why yell?
Raise your hand if you like to be yelled at? I can’t really imagine that too many folks do. I dang sure don’t!
I consider yelling, along with any other types of condescending banter, to be disrespectful, especially when it’s between two adults. Some might thing that it helps get their point across, but if you yell at me, I’ll just look at you like you’re stupid and walk away. This is a trained response though.
Other people may yell back, cry, or even start swingin’. The range of reactions depend largely on how people respond when they’re angry.
The best response I’ve found is to stay calm and collective without raising your voice. More often than not, this usually resolves the conflict and makes you look like the mature one. It takes a lot of practice but it gets easier with time.